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Technology

The Stranger Side To CES 2017

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There’s no better place than the annual Consumer Electronics Show in Sin City to show off the latest, most innovative tech. Unfortunately, the tradeshow attracts innovation’s weird and superfluous cousin in a variety of products that don’t quite meet the mark. Genius is a balancing act, after all, and some companies managed to fall off the tightrope and land in the world of the bizarre with CES 2017’s worst products.

Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

It may be harsh, but the category of worst is definitely necessary at an event like the CES. Some of the following products have made us scratch our heads in complete bafflement, as they’ve managed to fit impressive technologies into products that are absolutely pointless. Don’t just take our word for it. Read on and see what we mean.

Vibrating Denim

Get your head out of the gutter, Spinali Design created these “essential” pants to help you keep better connected with your co-workers, friends, and family. Each pair is outfitted with Bluetooth, which connects to your smartphone in order to deliver notifications to two vibrating sensors imbedded in the waistband. They’re also meant to help you “navigate through your urban journeys” with its vibrations informing you whether or not to take a left or a right. We’re not quite sure if these pants would make it easier to follow Google Maps than actually just looking at Google Maps.

The Smart Hairbrush

Our penchant to put ‘smart’ in front of literally any product to come out in the past 5 years has gotten out of hand. The most recent offender is L’Oreal’s Hair Coach. Equipped with a microphone, Bluetooth, and Wi-Fi, the brush sends updates on the health of your hair to your smartphone, letting you know which products and brushing methods to use. Yes, you read that right; this brush teaches you how to comb your hair. The embedded microphone picks up the sound of dry hair or split ends, as if you didn’t already know you had either of them, and it will scold anyone with a stern vibration in case they brush too forcefully. We don’t know about you, but we have enough negativity in our lives; we don’t need our hairbrushes judging us too.

Anti-Radiation Underwear FOR MEN

You have at least one person in your life who is convinced smartphones, laptops, and microwaves are the leading cause of cancer and other health issues. If only they had a computer to hear about the Spartan boxers; they’d be very smug about this latest development. The great minds behind these undies have created a boxer-brief that can block 99% of wireless radiation, saving genitals the world over from the unconfirmed affects Wi-Fi has on sperm production and the male libido. Finally, you don’t have to worry about zapping your little guy every time you get a text. Sorry ladies, no word on any panties designed to save your ovaries; for the time being, Spartan only has penis on the mind.

Okay, so the vibrating denim, smart hairbrush, and specialized underwear may not be the best representatives of the CES. As much as we joke, the convention brings to the table a variety of innovative and useful products we’re excited to see incorporated into our daily life.

Mayfield took on the Amazon Echo and created a butler robot that looks a little like Baymax from Big Hero 6. Neonode’s AirBar retrofits the MacBook Air 13” into a touchscreen gadget. LaCie’s created a Thunderbolt drive that daisy chains with the MacBook Pro. And though these improvements to Apple products aren’t necessarily the new iPhone 8 or Pro Retina we’re anticipating in 2017, they are fun additions to your current laptop. Combine these internal upgrades with a new MacBook Pro skin to camouflage old damage, and it’s like you’ve got a brand new computer — minus the wait for Apple to get in gear.

Or you could invest in any of the brand new, surprisingly thicc laptops coming out of Acer and Dell. As long as you stay away from pants that vibrate as you navigate the urban landscape, you’re probably good, for as much as the CES attracts bizarre and unwanted new products, it the sets the scene for the future’s most inspiring and exciting devices.